1.3M
KA“I’m holding it together, but my heart is just aching. I feel so selfish, I just wanna run away and bawl”. That was the text I sent my husband minutes after this video was taken. Up until this point, I didn’t even know overwhelming joy, and earth shattering heartache could coexist in the same moment. My baby sister is pregnant, and I’m still not.
I felt such incredible joy for my sister, her husband and for my family for this new little blessing that we were about to get. Yet in the same moment I felt anger, sadness, embarrassment, and quite honestly jealousy.
Anger at God that he still hasn’t pulled through for me. Sadness in knowing that there was a dark cloud above all my sister’s excitement because of me. Embarrassment that the first thing people were going to think of after she told them was, “how’s Kayla”. And the hardest one to admit… jealousy. She is my little sister, the person I’ve looked out for my whole life… and I was jealous of her. The worst part of infertility is watching everyone else get what you want, and everything you’ve tried so hard for. You’re happy for them, but you’re so sad for you. It’s never an anger towards that person, it’s an aching reminder that for some… it’s really just that easy.
I say none of this for a sympathy comment. I actually cringe at the thoughts of them, because everyone has something hard in life, this is just MY hard, as it is so many other women out there. I also have an unwavering faith that God will come through for me in His timing.
So the real question people keep asking… “how are you doing”. And to be honest the answer is different depending on the day. However, the one thing that is never changing is the fact that I have never been so excited for something (or someone) in my whole life. I’ve come to the very hard understanding that both happiness and heartache can coexist, and it is perfectly okay. My sister and brother in law are going to be the best parents, and I cannot wait to meet my new niece or nephew. I’ve lead the way so far baby sis, now it’s your turn. ♥️
#ttc #ttccommunity #infertility #infertilityawareness #ivf
@kaylaboyd__
