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BRIt’s been exactly 9 years since I went through the temple for the first time.
This was taken right after my endowment.
I was smiling and laughing— But inside, I felt shaken, confused, and ashamed for not feeling good about what I had done and all I had agreed to.
I had been told the endowment would feel like “coming home,” but instead—it filled me with doubt.
Up until that point, I had done everything “right,” and I was doing the next thing on my eternal life checklist—
But none of it prepared me for what I experienced during that ceremony.
The moment it began, my body was screaming at me to run—
As if my very being rejected it.
But I couldn’t leave—because I knew this was the only way to the Celestial Kingdom.
The only way to be with my family forever.
The only way to have eternal life.
I was told the temple experience would be peaceful, beautiful, sacred—
But what I experienced was eternal covenants I didn’t fully understand, handshakes that were confusing, unfamiliar clothing, and rituals I had no context for—
All while battling overwhelming anxiety, fear, and deep discomfort.
And instead of questioning the experience, I questioned myself.
“Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith” played in my head on a loop.
And I allowed myself to doubt my soul—because I couldn’t, and wouldn’t, doubt my faith.
But that moment still managed to stick with me.
It was the seed that eventually grew into the foundation of my faith crisis—
Because my soul knew, and had always known:
“This isn’t right for ME.”
I had felt this feeling my entire life but had always blamed myself and my worthiness—
But this experience was the catalyst that allowed me to finally put a name to that feeling.
And that feeling, for me, was:
Deception.
#exmormon #exlds #exmo #faithjourney #faithcrisis #religion #religioustrauma #religiousfreedom
@braadyn
