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THIn the last of my attachment series here is: fearful avoidant or what is sometimes called disorganized attachment.
If you’ve watched my reels on anxious attachment and avoidant attachment and have said to myself “I’m both”— this is likely your attachment style.
People with fearful avoidant attachment grow up with homes where a parent was both a source of love and fear. Meaning, they constantly had to walk on egg shells. Typically this was a highly reactive parent, who struggle to emotionally regulate. Other times it was a parent who didn’t yell at all but got cold and gave the silent treatment anytime they were upset.
Our need as children is to have a predictable, and secure adult whose behavior we can trust. When we don’t get this we struggle to form healthy adult relationships.
Our attachment style, while wired into our nervous system, is not fixed. We can all heal. Someone with fearful avoidant attachment needs to learn how to widen their window— or to expand their capacity for stress. Somatic practices, and self soothing is key here. Also being open and honest with close friends and partners will help them understand the *why* behind your behavior. When someone knows your background and triggers, they are in a better space to support you.
One of the hardest parts of relationships for a fearful avoidant is how strong the reactions feel. Any change in a someone’s behavior will send off their internal stress alarm. Just as it did when they were children. They also struggle with “control issues”— an adaptation they used to make sense of an early world that was full of chaos and fear. Note: many fearful avoidants are diagnosed with OCD but this adaption at one time was the only way they could feel safe.
Please share with anyone who feels both anxious AND avoidant in relationships.
New @selfhealers.circle members check out the courses and workshops on attachment styles— they’re game changers #selfhealers
@the.holistic.psychologist
